Yesterday

Yesterday I went to a symposium on applying to Med School. I feel so overwhelmed with everything. They suggested to take a little MCAT review course to help pass that test. Which I think I wanna do when the time comes even though it's pretty expensive. I feel like I should start studying now. I already applied to UAlbany. So I'm going to be a bio major there and take the suggested courses there. I already know someone who graduated from UAlbany and is at Albany Med right now, she was focusing on cardiology too! I don't rememebr if it was surgery thought.. But anyways.. I know I can take the right courses at UAlbany. I feel like Sage was a waste of time. I originally went there for the joint pharmacy program with Albany College of Pharmacy but now.. I don't think it's a good idea to stay there.. Kutz is ruining my GPA anyway. Bitch.

Someone kill me. Please.

I don't think I can do this anymore. School is too much and I have no energy or motivation anymore, whatsoever. And it's even going to get worse next semester. Half of me wants to drop out of school and go live in my parents' basement.

I already fucked this semester up. I want to go back to the beginning of the semester. I would do everything differently. I've never regretted anything so much. I'm so mad that I didn't try harder.

I don't know what to do. I guess I'm not good enough for this shit.

I want to get my own place and do my own thing and stop depending on other humans to help me through life, cause they are just worthless. Or maybe I am. Haven't decided.. Leaning towards blaming others hah.

I think I'm going to transfer to UAlbany and just join the pre-med program and stop wasting my time with this peice of shit school.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

Wasting time. Time wasting.

Library couch nap time. Almost every day.

new photo project..?

I'm going to take a picture of all the abandoned bikes I see every day. I already know of 4 that have been chained to the same spot for a year already. I just saw a new one today. We'll see if it's there next week.. I see bikes everywhere all the time.

And then there's a bike that's chained to a street lamp that has different flowers or a different sign on it everytime I drive by. Which is not that often but it's still kinda funny. Maybe I should go put something on it..

I'm gonna do that this summer.

Lonley Bikes Project. haha

Something to do. Like I'm not already gonna be so busy this summer.. Somuchshittodo.

Note to self: charge your fuckin' camera already.

rah rhar arh

Sonofabitch. Drug chemistry in Organic Chem. is making me want to go into pharmacy again. Crazy shit. Those pharmacists are tricky bastards.

I feel like watching Fight Club right now.

I want to make Jiaozi tonight, I've been craving dumplings for like weeks now.. but I have to work! So that means just a sandwich for me tonight. And I want a bagel so bad right now! I'm so hungry for some reason.

Also, can't wait for this:

<3 Going to be so much fun, like old times! I miss Katie & Mozzy (the only people who will dance with me)! And Ithaca! Definitely going to Sammy's Pizzeria. And I kinda wanna see what's up with The Haunt nowadays. And I think I wanna get a new "Ithaca is Gorges" shirt, since I lost my old one. Yeah, yeah.. I know, everyone has one, but I don't care.

Coolest dress ever.

YSL Fall '05:

I don't even care if it's from fall 2005. This dress is still awesome.

Day 3 without medicine: I'm so dizzy. When I turn my head I hear a "ch, ch, ch" noise in my head and it feels like my head will explode and things get blurry and wiggly. Kinda like I'm drunk.

aw, my baby.

grr

I need to stop forgetting to take my medicine because it fucks with me when I'm sleeping --actually it's been fucking with me when I remember to take it too.

Last night was crazy.

I had the worst time trying to sleep. First my heart wouldn't stop palpitating. Which always scares me even though I know I don't have any kind of heart disease, at least I think I don't. Because I've always had a kind of arrhythmia, especially when I've had too much caffeine, but now it's just gotten a bit worse.

Then later, I couldn't move my arms or legs for some reason! So fucking scary. And it felt like I was slowly being pushed and everything was really, really loud including some weird noise in my head, and then I thought Dave was talking to me. And I couldn't answer him. And then when I did finally sleep I had crazy dreams and I woke up covered in sweat.

I usually have crazy dreams and the night sweat when I forget my medicine but the paralysis thing was new. I want to just stop taking this medicine anyways. I don't think the benefits outweigh the side effects. Actually there's not much of a benefit at all anymore. I still get really anxious, no anxiety attacks.. but I think I grew out of that crap since I moved here. Time to make a doctors appointment, I'm sick of this shit already.

..Just felt like complaining.

There's this scene, in this movie that goes like this..

Two guys sitting at a bar in a restaurant at the end of the night.. One is the owner and he's eating and the other works for him. He is stealing food from the kitchen because his famliy is starving. But the owner knows so he stabs they guy in the leg with his fork. The other guy doesn't flinch because there's a steak under his pantleg. Then I think he kills him.. no idea who the actors are or what the movie is even about.. this scene just flashed in my head the other day.

Pleaaaaase tell me what movie this is from. It's driving me crazy that I can't think of it!

huhhh :(

I'm getting stupider and stupider by the day.

I like these:

Souvenirs

sad..

Sad Fact #1: I'm doing myspace surveys instead of homework.. ugh

Sad Fact #2: I do myspace surveys.

Sad Fact #3: I'm following someones cat on Twitter. (I think it's cute/funny)

uh oh

I'm not supposed to be on the computer right now.. naughty. I should be studying organic chem..

I just wanted to post about The Watchmen, cause I saw it last night..

It was cool..

Ok bye.

hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa jk

I really liked the first half. I think the visual aspects of movies is what affect me most in most movies. haha I can't help it, I guess I'm just a visual kind of person. I loved the production design, that's about it.

I think the second half got a little out of hand, cause it was hard to follow.. that's why you're supposed to have read the graphic novel I guess. And the dumb love story between Laurie Jupiter and Dr. Manhatten was annoying and cheesy. Well Dr. Manhatten altogether was a little ridiculous.. even though I liked thinking of all the multi dimensions and time/space parallels.. does that make me a physics nerd? hah And the Rorschach guy was pretty badass, I guess there could have been a little more violence. hahah

I'm not even pretending to know anything about movies and what makes them good or not.. I like some pretty crappy movies, and for my own reasons..

I guess this one made an impression on me, I loved the look. That's all.

Oh and I liked the music in it, music from the 70's and 80's, whatever time it was in that particular scene.. which was cool instead of the usual overused action movie songs.. even though I've read a few reviews and people hateddd the soudtrack. haha not me. It made it fun.

The story was kind of crazy.. I guess that's why it is a graphic novel.. not supposed to be in movie form.

I like those kinds of movies though I guess, like Sin City, and Dick Tracy and 300, blahblahlbahl.

This movie wasn't that big of a deal to me, I don't take most movies seriously anyway.. I don't get offended if they aren't done right. I just like pretty things. hahaha Shiny, pretty things. Just something to kill an hour or two..

haha cute, I love Mozart.

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

*sigh*

cheltequalscool: i think that was what happened to me when i became single.. i just kind of became reckless..

cheltequalscool: now im chilling out

cheltequalscool: i guess i just wanted to have fun after being told what to do for 5 years

cheltequalscool: i gotta make up for lots/wasted time

cheltequalscool: lost*

yea HITS andrew: im sorry to hear that

yea HITS andrew: so what now

cheltequalscool: no idea

funny memory..

I had a friend who lived down the street when I was in elementary school..

One day he heard his parents say their neighbor was an alien.

She kind of lived in a weird shaped brick house with a flat roof instead of a slanted roof like the rest of the whole street.. So we were suspicious. Then one day we went and rang the doorbell and ran.. and an old Italian lady came out and started yelling at us in Italian. We'd never really heard Italian before so we thought she really was an alien!

So we were always scared to go near that house from then on because she might have tried to abduct us and take us to her home planet.

hahah.. yea, we were always romanticizing things we didn't understand. But that's what makes childhood fun I guess. I still kind of do it sometimes just for my own amusement. It's not as real as it used to be but it's still fun to make up little constructions of things. I guess that's what you do when you don't have anyone to talk to..

I also just remembered the guy who lived next door to our babysitters house.. we thought he worked for the CIA and had a bomb shelter.. ..but maybe another time..

Time to pick up and move on..

I feel pretty rejected right now..

It's my fault. I guess I piss people off too much. And I'm not that good of a friend.. etc.

Is it just the people in this city or is it me? I'm never gonna have a best friend again, am I? Or any close friends for that matter. There's never gonna be anyone who thinks of me first when they need a friend.

But I know why.. and there's nothing I can do that will chagne it. I've tried, and just when I think I've become more emotionally available and I can handle it, something just happens that makes me freeze. And everything just reverts back to the start.

I start to ignore people and avoid them and I don't want to but I can't stop it. I don't know what it is..

NYC '05

Central Park

I was looking through my old pictures and found this one. It's kind of cool.. I was messing around in Photoshop with it to get that tilt-shift photography effect type thing. I had the shittiest camera back then so it's pretty grainy, oh well.

..

Why is everyone going to Disney World/Land? Whichever the Florida one is. I don't see what the draw is. It really doesn't excite me. Maybe because I haven't been there. Maybe because theme parks are exhausting, visually and physically, and financially. Not fun. Oh well.. I'll never know.

I'm too laid back. That could be what my problem is.. I don't stress over tests, or school work. And it sucks to admit, but that is probably the thing that is going to hold me back from Med School. I need a slap in the face. I need to wake the fuck up, and try harder. I realise this, but it doesn't make me do anything differently.. So what the hell can I do?

In a way I kind of feel like I'm waiting for something.. and that's a problem because good things don't just happen to you. You have to make shit work for you. So cliche, but that's why it's cliche.. because it's so overused, becauuusee...... it's true.

I guess I'm not in a very good mood thismorning.. haha.